EXAM 2

• what one give us in terms of his performance
• mask / what you want us to see
• ex: Eminem giving us the finger

• the accidental, uncontrollable things that we do that the audience is always looking for
• “cracks in performance”
• ex: Eminem’s facial expressions / suit and tie in court

• the positive image that we want other people to think about us
• relates to emotion / we get distress when face is compromised (“loosing face”)
• when performance is going well = “maintaining face”

1. positive face
2. negative face

• wanting others’ approval

• your desire to be in control of your life
• autonomy
• trying to control the situation

• when we do something to embarrass ourselves
• other people’s face matters to us / we don’t want someone else to lose their face and become uncomfortable
• unspoken agreement that if others’ face falls, we will help hold them up

• things we do to prepare for face-loss or prevent it

• things we do to prevent losing face
• “the go between” = asking your friend to ask if your crush likes you
• “inattention” = pretending not to notice
• “withdraw” = leaving the scene

• apologizing = a way of asking for face back after you’ve lost it
• humor = laughing / making light of it
• self punishment = if you fail, you tell your parents “I’m horrible/the worst kid ever” / putting yourself down
• excuses

• confirm the way I see you
• threaten negative/positive face
• what the messages that the parent gives off tell the child about their relationship

• parents can do something to confirm or disconfirm your positive face (emotion)

1. Impervious
2. Interruption
3. Tangential
4. Impersonal
5. Incongruence

- disconfirming

• when parent ignores child when they’re trying to get their attention
• relational level = tells the child that they are not there / not important

- disconfirming

• child trying to tell parent something, but parent interrupts them with something else
• relational level = makes child feel like they are wasting their parents’ time

- disconfirming

• brief acknowledgement, then shift in topic

disconfirming

• cold, non personal
• has little to do with the immediate situation
• “there’s more fish in the sea”
• you’re not important enough to make a personal response for

• upholding someone’s face
• this is where self esteem comes from

1. Agreement About Context
2. Direct Acknowledgement
3. Supportive Responses
4. Clarifying Responses
5. Expression of Positive Feelings

- confirming

• what you think is great is also what your parent thinks is great
• confirming child’s identity
• “Yeah, it is hard to sleep when you’re scared”
• kid makes picture, dad says he loves it

- confirming

• opposite of ignoring
• ex: girl brings home picture = “Omg! Bring it over here!” / “Tell me more about that”

• “Go back to the room, I’m sure the monster won’t want to mess with you”

• asking more about something

• “I’m so proud of you!”

1. Authoritarian
2. Permissive
3. Authoritative

• the dictator (traditional dad)
• demanding, directive, non confirming
• goal = to control you / “maintain obedience”
• problem = teaches the kids how not to get caught

• undemanding, non directive
• fear of the child
• goal = wants to please the child / let them figure out their own way
• problem = no boundaries, doesn’t help when you have to make your own decisions

• confirming, but directive, responsive and supportive
• goal = teach child how to respect limits/boundaries/make decisions
• there is punishment but its based on explaining and understanding
• if you’re angry while disciplining, you will disconfirm

• punishment has to include confirmation
• show them why what they did was wrong / how to fix it

- your parents’ emotional intelligence

• something you are taught

1. Awareness of Emotions
2. Manage Emotions
3. Ability to Use your Emotions to Motivate Yourself
4. Recognizing Emotions in Others

• people who are high in emotional intel can recognize their feelings in a sophisticated way
• not only in intense situations
• enables you to act more appropriately and to be able to talk to others about how you feel

• the ability to soothe yourself when you have a disturbing emotion
• if you can’t do this well, you’ll make yourself sick
• “Amygdala Hijacking” = losing control of the part of your brain that controls your emotions

• when people are able to delay gratification they end up better in the end
• “marshmallow experiment”
• more likely to be in debt / be a worse student if you don’t do this

• being able to tell what someone else is feeling
• empathy = fundamental communication skill
• subtle social signs

• the way parents read a child’s emotions and react tells a lot about them
• being a loving parent is not enough to have a healthy kid
• you need to do “emotional coaching”

1. Dismissing Parent
2. Disapproving Parent
3. Laisse-Faire Parent
4. Emotional Coaching Parent

• classifies the child’s emotions as unimportant
• want child’s negative emotions to go away quickly (believe these are bad/weak/irrational)
• child will not learn = awareness of emotions or how to manage them
• child will learn = bad emotions reflect badly on the parent

• react with strong negativity / punish for negative emotions
• teaches = if you tell people how you really feel it will hurt you / your emotions are wrong so hide them
• gives child a damaged self and hurts emotional intel

• tells kids to act out their feelings any way they want
• teaches kids that their parents will solve all their problems
• does not teach emotional intel
• does not help manage / regulate emotions

• value the child’s emotional episodes as an opportunity to teach
• can tolerate being around an upset child
• values their own emotions and is emotionally intelligent
• doesn’t tell child how to feel
• offer guidance and sets limits on emotional reactions
• teach problem solving skills
• effects: child can manage their feelings, identify them, make themselves feel better

1. Become more aware of child’s emotions
2. Recognizing emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and learning
3. Label emotions in words the child can understand
4. Empathetically listening and validate child’s feelings
5. Helping the child solve the problem appropriately / deal with feelings