Chapter 8 ? Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships Love ? (prototypes) Romantic/passionate love ? state of extreme absorption/desire for union with another psychological - intense feelings of tenderness, elation intellectual - objectivity distortion (numbness, blind) behavioral - risk taking, superhuman feats attempted (drive all night) biological - rapid heart beat, physiological arousal, stomach churns Companionate/intimate love ? long-termed selflessness, caring, and compassion with the expectation of reciprocity psychological ? balanced, meaningful intellectual - compatible with reality behavioral - allows individualism & autonomy biological - controlled passion Zick Rubin?s 3 components of love attachment ? Desire for physical presence & emotional support caring ? Concern for the others well-being intimacy ? Desire for close, confidential communication Sternberg?s Love Triangle Intimacy Passion Commitment Attachment Theory Conditional love unconditional love B conditional love D Love Stories Friendship, passion, and caring Relationship styles of love - 7 Flavors of Love eros- Physical Attraction ludus ? Playfulness storge - Warm Affection mania ? Stormy, Turbulence, Crazy pragma ? Level-headed phileo ? Friendship based agape ? Perfect, non-contingent, unconditional Master?s & Johnson Love Cycle ?Readiness? ? desire & longing for a relationship ?Falling? ? idea of intimacy is exciting ?Bring it on? ? hopeful ?Transition? ? realty testing (marriage? separate?) ?Falling out? ? ending of mutuality ?Being out? ? love numbness Why people fall in love with particular people? proximity ? familiarity breeds liking or love similarity ? common beliefs, values, attitudes, reciprocity - when loved/cared about we tend to respond in kind physical attractiveness ? play important role early in the relationship Jealousy: The Green-Eyed Monster defined: An averse reaction caused by a real or imagined person, place, or thing 3 Traits of Jealous People low self-esteem of self large variance in ?how they are? versus ?how they wish it could be? highly valued need for money, fame, looks love versus jealousy Male reactions Female Reactions feelings denial honest, open involvement sexual emotional blame others self Intimacy Source of Self Pseudo-Self Shared-Self fusion emotional individuate dependence cutoff growth Intimacy: components & barriers components Include: caring & sharing trust commitment barriers Include shyness selfishness lack of empathy self-centered, being critical ___________________________________________________________________________________ Communication What is Communication? exchange of meaning between people - meaning & message not always congruent ?all behavior? - all behavior is communication (gestures, posture, eye contact) nonverbal ? facial expressions, touching not inborn ? but learned intent = impact ? for effective communication Four Components sender (intent - message) receiver (impact - meaning) messages have both ...(content & emotion) feedback Special Communication sex talk - contributes to relationship satisfaction talking barriers - shyness, aggression, trust, expectations, conflict ?mutual empathy? - partners care deeply and appreciate that caring Difficulty of Sex Talk socialization - multigenerational patters language - terminology ? an appropriate sexual vocabulary vulnerability ? afraid to self-disclose Kicking-off ?Sex Talk? talk about talking - comfort level, sensitivity read and discuss - information exchange media - movies, books history talking - ask questions, sex education Discussing needs deny advice use open-ended questions, choice (either or), direct (yes, no) ?we? questions make assumptions about the others? feelings without their consent Getting what you want! say what you mean be specific avoid mixed messages take responsibility for self pleasure use ?I? language ?you? statements are interpreted as attacks on the other person?s character asking ?why? questions puts the other person on the defense making them feel judged Good Criticism ?I? language pick a time & place specific not general affirm not blame or condemn convey pleasure, not perfection Sweet Grapes ?active listening? reaffirm another person?s feelings redirecting focus to thoughts & feelings eye contact feedback ? honesty ?positive regard? ? accept you for whatever you say conveying a sense of value and importance paraphrasing ? summarize in his/her own words validating - indicating that you see how reasonable another person?s viewpoint may seem leveling ? emotional monitoring editing ? ensuring your on the same ?page? Sour Grapes devaluing - not valuing someone?s feeling (Jane you shouldn?t feel like that.) mind reading ? thinking others thoughts (Jerry makes sexual advance. Stacy says no. Jerry says, I though you wanted to make love.) defensiveness kitchen sinking (gunny bagging) blaming John Gottman 5 positives to 1 negative Cascade to ?decoupling? criticism-contempt-defensiveness-stonewall-belligerence ?flooding? repair mechanism women pursue, men withdraw Gender differences Themes men women intimacy side-by-side face-to-face togetherness competition cooperation directness give take power one-up one-down conversation report rapport Personality vs. Relationship growth Healthy relationships produce Healthy personalities. Healthy personalities produce Healthy relationships Relationship change & growth begins with Personality change & growth Relationally: What is love? Forgiveness. Willingness to Try Again. Awareness of Needed Change. Commitment to Repair & Mend differences. Avoids desertion/cut offs. Why women have less sexual satisfaction... Less orgasms Higher expectations More energy and effort to make things nice Obligation Stop at pg,. 243 (only going to have to know half of ch. 8 for exam) Ask significant other to rate you from 1-10 (communication, sex, relationship as a whole, etc.) Before you can love someone, you have to have self-love. Prototypes: Models Romantic love/Passionate (sex passion) Companionate/Intimate love (hormones involved) Rubin's 3 Components Sternberg?s triangle (consummate love: all three aspects of triangles are balanced) Attachment theory (like mother-infant... can effect later relationships) Conditional Love Stories Friendship, passion, and caring Friendship Passion Caring 1) Exclusiveness -Doing the utmost for your relationship 2) Desire to be close 3) Desire for sexual closeness 4) Fantasize Shared interest: important PEA: neurotransmitter Ideal hip-to-waist ratio: 0.7 Jealousy is related to insecurity. Alchemy: taking something common or routine and changing it into something very special Second half of the chapter... 1 in 4 teens have an STD Top Complaints About Sex Frequency Dissatisfaction #1 factor is ineffective communication. Only 25% of couples discuss sexual issues. Mutual empathy: you care for each other and you care about the relationship Permission: ability to share feelings Communication = Sexual rewards 60% of women fake orgasms, and 20% of men do Constructive vs. Destructive Positive regard: care about someone no matter what John Gottman: Love Lab... predict with 93% accuracy if a couple will break up or stay together Looks at behavior and physiology (positive and negative). Ratio: 5 positives to 1 negative ?Flooding?: You are so mad, you can almost see red. Cascade: Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewall, belligerence Pursuer-Withdrawal: Women pursue, men withdraw. How to Talk About a Difficult Topic: 1) Women need to use a ?soft start? 2) Men need to be influenced by their wife/girlfriend. Editing: monitoring emotions Men communicate side-to-side, women communicate face-to-face. Men communicate to have control/power, women communicate to connect. Hurt... #1 reason why we don't communicate well Placating: always agree on everything Anger and resentment: red flag that something needs to change
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