Human Sexuality March 25, 2009 Ineffective communication is the number 1 factor of separation and divorce Relationships have healthy communication Communication goals for men are power and control (side-to-side) Communication goals for women are to connect (face-to-face) Males communicate to fix problems and make things better- goal directed Females communicate to share emotions When women are connecting to you, they connect by emotions (they are connecting) Big problems happen in relationships because males want to fix things and come up with a solution right away rather than talking about things Number 1 thing females want is intimacy, only created through connecting emotionally (communication) Most people don?t talk about sexual things out of ?fear? General commitment to resolve conflict= healthy relationship A. Difficulty talking about sex 1. Socialization-multigenerational patterns 2. Language-terminology- an appropriate sexual vocabulary 3. Vulnerability- afraid to self-disclose B. Mutual empathy- I care about you and I know you care about me Do not do anything to hurt the team Anxiety- miscommunication Destruction Blaming Threatening (emotional blackmail) Selfish behavior-you are not getting what you want Mind-reading Diagnosing Name-calling Devaluing Confrontation Defensive Drifting (away from topics) Advising (shifts power) power hurts intimacy Kitchen sinking- gunny sacking (bringing things up from the past) One up, One down- getting back at each other for fights Construction I statements (I feel..) Leveling (putting all cards on table) Monitoring- our emotions Clarity- Knowing what eachother are talking about Paraphrasing- being on the same page Summarizing Giving permission- share thoughts and feelings Unconditional positive regard- accepting what the other person is telling you Metacommunication- rules about communication (no yelling) Validating- understanding John Gottman so important- studies communication Women and men?s brains work completely different when it comes to communication 1. physiology- looks at arousal- due to emotions- TO GET A BASE LINE- talk about something they never argue about. Then talk about an issue that always brings up an argument 2. Positive emotions and behaviors 3. Negative emotions and behaviors He has 93% accuracy to tell if they are going to stay together or not Men get angry fast with criticism- men flood- vains stick out of head (overwhelmed with emotions) all he can do is scream. This flooding is where communication needs to be stopped. Flooding- men are emotionally incapable of processing the information Pursuer and withdrawal Women pursue when she should not pursue Women cool off really fast Men take a long time to cool down from a fight Emotional arosal causes miscommunication- if we recognize facial expressions then communication will be better Advice: 1. Use a soft start-up (say it in a kind way) 2. Men need to be willing to be influenced- they want to be in control and have final say Decoupling I love you to I wish you were dead This happens because there is a cascade to decoupling 1. Couples start criticizing each other (criticisms- zingers) 2. Contempt- start to not like each other 3. Defensive 4. Stonewall- I am just not going to talk to him anymore 5. Belligerence If you want to have a stable relationship Must have: 5 Positive to 1 Negative (emotions, behaviors)
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